Dame Kelly Holmes is undeniably one of Britain’s most celebrated athletes, yet some of her toughest battles have been off the track.
The 54-year-old, publicly came out as gay in 2022, served for nine years in the Women’s Royal Army Corps and the Adjutant General’s Corps from 1988 to 1997 - achieving the rank of sergeant during a time when being gay in the Armed Forces was prohibited. A passionate runner in her younger years, Holmes temporarily set aside athletics to pursue her military career, only to rediscover her love for the sport after watching the 1992 Summer Games on TV.
Initially, Holmes balanced her athletic pursuits with her Army duties until increased funding in 1997 enabled her to dedicate herself fully to athletics. Her gold medal win in the 1500 metres at the 1994 Commonwealth Games in Victoria catapulted her onto the global stage.
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She continued to impress, securing silver medals at the European and World Championships in 1994 and 1995 respectively, reports Wales Online. Holmes then represented Team GB at the 2000 Sydney Olympic Games, where she earned a bronze medal in the 800m event. After clinching another gold at the 2002 Commonwealth Games, she returned to the Olympics in 2004, winning gold in both the 800m and 1500m events.
While many might assume that Holmes' most challenging battles were fought on the athletics track, in reality, it was the secret wars she waged within her own mind that proved the toughest to overcome - as a gay soldier-turned-athlete living in constant fear of persecution.
Holmes concealed her true sexuality for 34 years, afraid of being arrested, court-martialled, or discharged from the armed forces. Until 2000, it was against the law for members of the Armed Forces to be gay.
Having realized her own orientation in 1988, at just 18 years old, Holmes chose to keep it hidden in order to pursue her lifelong dream of serving her country. When she was 22 and still serving in the Army, her home was raided by the Royal Military Police – an event Holmes believes was aimed at discovering her sexual preferences. In an interview with Sky News, she said: “It’s police coming into your place of living and completely ransacking it.
“The only way I can describe is if you went home tonight and the perpetrators are in your house and they are vilifying you, they’re spitting in your face, they’re getting all your belongings, they’re stamping all over them.” She added: “The complexities of that and then knowing what other people went through just because of who they loved or who they were… that just instilled a fear in me.”
The prohibition on homosexuality in the Armed forces was abolished four years prior to Holmes' victory in Athens, yet she remained “petrified” of being exposed following her global triumphs. She said: “I think because of then being an elite athlete when no one spoke about it, it was almost like, ‘I’ve got to shut up, I can’t say anything because what will the response be?’.
“‘How are people going to judge me? What are people going to think?’ And so I kind of just thought that I had to keep it in. But there comes a point in life where we have to remember we live our own life. We don’t live it for somebody else.”
In June 2022, at 52 years old, Holmes publicly acknowledged her sexuality. Reflecting on her coming out experience, she said: “There’s nothing more liberating than just feeling like you’re you. And I needed to be me.”
Holmes also revealed that the inability to express her sexual orientation for so long resulted in “a lot of mental health trauma” for herself and many others facing similar challenges. Speaking to BBC Radio Surrey, she described the perception of homosexuality during her formative years as “very taboo” and “very stigmatized”, largely due to the AIDS and HIV crisis of the 1980s and 1990s.
Since retiring from athletics in 2005 and transitioning into motivational speaking, Holmes takes pride in having a platform to “push conversation,” explaining: “I’m not afraid of that.” Meanwhile, Holmes has been open about her struggles with mental health, sharing with Sky: “I went through stress fractures, ruptured calves, torn Achilles, glandular fever, tonsillitis, a damaged femoral nerve in my back and mental health problems seven years out of my 12 years as an international athlete.
“I got to the point when I was 33 years old, which was the year before the Olympic games, getting ready for a world championships where I had a huge breakdown because of the pressure and expectation on myself to be good. One, because I was battling with other things in my life, but two, because I really wanted to be an Olympic champion. And I got to a point where I didn’t want to be here, frankly, but I did.”
She also spoke candidly about her experience with suicidal thoughts, describing it as a “battle” in her mind “where half of you wants to live and the other half of you doesn’t”.
After coming out and forging connections with fellow British sporting legends, Holmes acknowledged that she had finally found happiness “for the first time ever”. She said: “I wasn’t normal with people, I didn’t go out for coffees, I didn’t socialize with people because of fear.
“Now I’m friends with people like Sally Gunnell, Denise Lewis, and they accept me for who I am. They’re just so proud of me and happy for me and it’s just an overwhelming response. I’m happy for the first time ever.”
She is presently in a romantic partnership with Northern Irish sports massage therapist Louise Cullen, whom she encountered during the COVID-19 pandemic. In an interview with the Sunday Mirror, Holmes discussed her relationship, saying: “She loves me for me. I’m just happy. I’m happy with Lou. It makes it a lot easier being with somebody that I really get on with, and who just likes me for me.
“Lou’s a different person, she’s a nice person. She’s somebody that doesn’t want anything. She’s not really interested in the work side of me, she doesn’t really want to be in the limelight. And now she’s coming to England so let’s see what happens. Who knows what is around the corner. I’m not going to put pressure on myself and her and say this is forever – but hopefully it is.”
If you’re struggling and need to talk, the Samaritans operate a free helpline open 24/7 on 116 123. Alternatively, you can email [email protected] or visit their site to find your local branch.